grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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