I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I AM VODKA MAN
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
