Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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