You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
