When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
