quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
