I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
