my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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