I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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