i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
