Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
