you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
