Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
