I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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