just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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