matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
