Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
