sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
