she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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