can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
