Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
