Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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