i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
