fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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