you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
