I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize