im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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