i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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