sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
