Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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