I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
