the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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