you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
