WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
zippers are such a cool invention
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Brb crying the tears of my youth
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize