Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
