Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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