My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
