The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
