Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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