Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Drake has all the answers
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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