I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
