my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
