I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
