You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
