Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
