2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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