he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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