I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
