Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
