He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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