she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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