My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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