Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You have to summon your inner elephant
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
