all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
