well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
